Thoughts and Encounters Uncategorized: A Working Wife?

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Yesterday, I basically took a day off reading which is particularly unwise for me considering how one of my most important exams yet is in about ten days. I spent most of my time gisting with my reading partner(how Ironic). As the gist progressed,  we found ourselves moving from one subject to another. The subject that struck  me the most was the subject of the “working wife” my reading partner happens to be married so he had more authority on the subject since I’m not even close to being engaged, so I mostly  just listened and pondered.

I already had my opinion on the subject of a working wife. I had previously thought about it deeply and made up my mind that my wife should work, not just work but I’d help her reach the highest height of her career as i chase mine also. I decided on this mainly because of my mother.

My mother is one of the most intelligent and hardworking people i know and I’m not saying this because she’s my mum ,she works more hours in her mid fifties than i work in my late twenties. In the Secondary school she owns, she teaches  about 30 periods, 40 minutes a week!  if you have taught in your life  you’ll know how improbable that is, to help you better understand , she teaches MATHEMATICS.

She wasn’t always a teacher, she graduated from University of Benin and straight after NYSC she already got a job at one of the banks that existed in Lagos in the late early 80’s. Then she got married to dad in ’87. My dad happened to live and work in Port-Harcourt at the time. I’m guessing they discussed and they decided there was no need for any of them to quit their jobs as neither of them could get a transfer. The Nigerian banks of the 80’s weren’t as global as they are now, the bank my mum worked with  didn’t have a branch in Port-Harcourt (PH). My dad worked  for an oil company they didn’t have a branch in Lagos either. I think my dad at the time saw he’s job as temporary he was already applying to the multinational oil companies and assumed when he got the job he could come to Lagos. So my mum kept her job in Lagos and lived mostly in Lagos while my dad stayed in PH.

Barely a year after they married I was born, 10 months exactly (Sharp shooter father)! so you can guess working 2 different cities miles apart was becoming difficult but my parents held out.  So even after i was born, Mum lived in Lagos and Dad still lived in PH. A year and half after,  she got pregnant for my brother , at that time it was impossible for her to keep her Job mainly out of pressure from everyone involved her parents included.  She eventually caved into  the pressure. By this time she was already the assistant branch manager of the Bank she worked with in her late 20’s. which i must guess was enormous for a woman in that time.

She quit her job, at that time according to her there were barely 5 banks in PH at time and none of them had more than one branch (hard to believe i know, how things have changed). Plus she had the added disadvantage of being pregnant. No one wants to employ a pregnant woman definitely not the kind of place she’ll have liked to work. She had to wait 3 years before she could get another job, getting pay that could barely cover her transportation.

Now she already had 2 children of school age and it was proving impossible to get a reliable house maid: one was caught watching porn in the VCR another just picked up ran away in the middle of the night. After a year or so of that she had to quit her job and become a full-time mum (Thank You mum *tear in my eye ).

By ’93 my dad got a new job that posted hime to Benin. They  both decided to move the family base to Lagos and he would do the shuttling.  I’m sure my mum loved the idea because it gave her a better prospect of getting a new Job. However, when she got to Lagos in 94’  the Economy was slow (Thanks you! General Sani Abacha and General Babangida IDOITS). She couldn’t  get a job as quickly as she would have liked, it didn’t help that she had barely worked in 5 years. Her position moved from improbable to impossible when a year later she was pregnant again.

That I think put to rest her bank dreams but it didn’t stop her from trying unsuccessfully to get another job after she gave birth. She eventually decided on a new career path, went to University of Lagos and got her Diploma in Education which eventually led her to where she is now.

Honestly,  I’m not doing her career a lot of credit because in all the time she was unemployed she was always trying her hand in something. From baking wedding and event cakes to Fashion Designing to even making drink beverages to sell. I remember my bother and I had a Job of sealing and tagging those beverages. She wasn’t always successful financially. My mom still makes the most awesome cakes and plans to sew my sister’s wedding gown but no one could doubt her effort, it was always 110%.

So yes, I’m amazed by her mainly because she really didn’t have to even try. Her husband was a fairly successful oil man and he could provide. However, even after all that I sometimes feel my mum isn’t quite happy with her life. I think she sometimes wonders about what an alternate life would have been. What if i didn’t quite my job to train children and be the good wife, who would i have become? She definitely had the potential to be the best in her career she was well on track to achieving such feat. She could have even excelled much more than my dad did if she pursed that road.  She has never said it to me before, I don’t even think she has even ever implied it , but sometimes when we are in deep conversation i feel i can hear it.

I understand the many complexities of the work life balance or at least i think i do to the degree an unmarried man can. But I have to imagine there is some mid ground that can be reached,that would accommodate both our ambitions. Most ambitious people don’t dream of cleaning and cooking, they dream of using their minds to solve problems. No one spends 4 years in the university studying business just for your daily business decision to be choosing between huggies and pampers. No one spends 7 plus years studying law only to be defend and prosecute at Parent Teachers meetings; they want their imprints on the lives of their children but they also want their names on the top of skyscrapers too.

Maybe my dreams are naive to think we can both have both. Am I worried that my Wife will change in the face of wealth and fame? Of course, but I’m sure she’ll have those worries as well for me and for herself. Am I worried she’ll have a boss who wants to fuck her at the office? of course! I guess she’ll be worried about the secretary who wants to fuck me too but if I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone I’ll want them to be as happy as they can possibly be.

What people understate is  jobs careers  are seldom about money and mostly about impact, and the joy you gain that come from they impact you give. And yes, Maybe it will mean I can only have 2 children, my dinners will sometimes not be ready on time and I may have to cook some myself and I may comeback home some days to a cold lonely bed because she’s got work but i guess its a sacrifice we both have to make.

Author - Ifeoluwa Osho